How To Be Emotionally Intelligent: The Five Core Skills

The concept of emotional intelligence (EQ) was popularized in a best-selling book by Daniel Goleman, who defines it as “the ability to identify, assess, and control one’s own emotions, the emotions of others, and that of groups”. According to Goleman, emotional intelligence has five components: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. In this article, we’ll briefly explore what these components look like, and what you can do to cultivate or reinforce them.

Self awareness

What is it?

According to Goleman, self-awareness is ‘the ability to monitor our inner world – our thoughts and feelings’. He argues that improved self-awareness has measurable results in the workplace: leaders who are ‘attuned to their inner signals’ can recognizing how their feelings affect them and their job performance. They integrate their guiding values into their work. They can deduce the best course of action by recognizing how their feelings affect themselves, the people around them, and their overall performance.

How can I get better at it?

The most popular way to improve your self-awareness is by engaging in a practice called mindfulness meditation, which involves changing your relationship to your thoughts and feelings by deliberately adopting a position of neutral detachment. One does this by paying attention to the present moment. For more information, you can consult this helpful guide by Reach Out Australia. Alternatively, consider trying out an app like Smiling Mind, Insight Timer, or Headspace.

Self-regulation

What is it?

Self-regulation is the quality that allows people to take control of themselves and respond in an appropriate way to the situations that confront them from day to day. Self regulation can be behavioral or emotional.

How can I get better at it?

Attempting to regulate all of your behaviours at once is likely to end only in frustration and exhaustion. As the Australian psychologist Roy Baumeister has shown, self-control is a finite resource, and investing some willpower in one goal will mean that there’s less available for other objectives (at least, until you rest and refocus). So, it’s best to choose one behaviour or emotional response that you’d like to get better at regulating and then pursue it with patience, consistency, and determination.

Motivation

What is it?

In the context of emotional intelligence, motivation describes one’s innate drive to improve, achieve goals, and respond to new opportunities with enthusiasm and optimism.

How can I get better at it?

Goleman considers motivation to have four elements: personal drive (i.e. you have to possess the desire to achieve certain goal); commitment; initiative (which he defines as ‘the readiness to act on opportunities); and optimism (the ability to continue pursuing your goals in the face of setbacks).

If you possess these qualities, then one of the best ways to focus them is by setting effective goals. As the popular acronym reminds us, effective goals are SMART. That is, they are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant (i.e. to your overall life objectives), and time-based (i.e. there’s a clear and realistic deadline). You can learn more about setting SMART goals on the Skills You Need website.

Empathy

What is it?

Empathy is the ability to recognise and respond appropriately to the feelings and emotions of other people.

How can I get better at it?

According to Goleman, improving empathy requires one first to acknowledge that it involves five separate elements: understanding others; developing others (for example, by demonstrating leadership and providing encouragement); having a service orientation (in the workplace, this means putting the customer first and making a conscious effort to imagine what that might want); leveraging diversity (which means not only that you celebrate the fact that people possess a range of life experiences, but that you adapt your behaviour to their varied concerns and feelings); and political awareness (in the sense that you understand and skillfully navigate the power dynamics in groups large and small). It’s a lot to take on board, and each outcome requires a specific approach. However, you can make a good start by tuning into emotional cues, praising people for their strengths and accomplishments, and seeing diversity as an opportunity instead of a challenge.

Social skills

What is it?

Social skills encompass a broad range of interpersonal and communication skills such as the ability to lead, the ability to manage conflict, and the ability to persuade others.

How can I get better at it?

In a sense, social skills are the most complex of the five aspects of emotional intelligence, because they require you to take into account other people’s’ needs while engage in a dynamic conversation. However, they are also indispensable: the ability to listen effectively, persuade others, and demonstrate leadership are essential if you’d not only to succeed, but to flourish. You can find tips on how to improve your social skills here.